My live-in boyfriend and I have decided it's just not working. I make more than he does and can live on my own-not comfortably but it's doable. He cannot. We are looking into getting a 2 bedroom apartment and being roommates without the romance bit.

My wife and I started talking about divorce over a year ago, before the economy crashed. We have three kids and the long delay has been hard on them. Despite the down economy we are moving ahead with the divorce. We liquidated retirement funds but have fortunately avoided the need to sell our house. Despite the added stress of unexpected (and unplanned-for) job loss, the economy hasn't played into my decision. If a relationship is unworkable, that's a daily issue impacting every area of your life. I would rather give up my long-term retirement plans than continue living in a bad relationship.

I am not a fan of anyone who cuts and runs when the going gets tough. I am grateful that the downturn in the economy is challenging people to stick it out...they might just find that around the same time the economy is recovering so is their relationship. Marriage in particular requires hanging in there and working thru the tough times together. If there is abuse or some other intolerable situation then I think that staying is not the right answer but for those who have just "fallen out of love" working together to make it thru the downturn in the economy might be good for their relationship

Being stuck in a marriage because you can't afford to leave, is hell. The stress is almost unbearable,especially when you depend on your spouse for financial support. The person that was once the family's breadwinner, hold's all the power and doesn't let you forget that. You now become the child, awaiting his mercy and hand-outs. Being a stay-at-home mom over the past several years has left me feeling like un-skilled labor. My degree and the skills that went with it are out-dated; so I try to pull myself up,daily to find a way out. What may be the best set-up financially is killing me personally.

I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years now, over 3 of which have been spent trying to get out of it. We bought a house together 5 months after we met, and within 2 or 3 months of that, I knew a life spent with this person would eventually destroy me. No kids, but the house and thousands rung up in credit card debt were all in my name, so leaving before the house could gain some equity would most likely mean bankruptcy for me. For a long time I tried to make the best of the situation, but in a way it does really feel like prison; thinking about how much of your life and years are passing you by. I was laid off in November, so at this point, even if I decide to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy, I have no means to live on my own. The relationship ruined all my friendships long ago, and my also-unemployed brother just moved back to the one spare room at my parents house, so I am pretty much stuck here. We've started going to counseling, and I suppose it has made some of the day to day stuff easier, but its been 3 years I've been trying to stop this travesty and there is just no going back. The simple fact is, as soon as I get a job I'm leaving. Divorce, foreclosure, bankruptcy ... I don't care anymore.

I have come to realize that after being in my realtionship for 8.5 years that there are many ups and many downs, but at the end of the day it is all worth it. To have someone there to be a witness to your life is amazing and with every realtionship there is bound to be some kind of issue and sometimes they are not able to be dealt with, but the majority are. If you take on the mindset of what can I do today to add something to my realtionship or make my partner happy. I promise that it will become eaiser and easier as the days pass. I belive that the problem is that most people are so self absorbed that they only think "how is this effecting me and how is this making me feel" in a realtionship you have to have the back of your partner and they need to have yours. I agree with Erica Fendlay above march 9,2009, unless there is some kind of abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual) then i really can see grounds for splitting "you made a vow"

Come on, folks . . . do what you want with 'relationships' live-in or otherwise, but why is it so easy for otherwise intelligent, caring, committed people to walk away from a marriage?
The answer is simple and sad . . . rather than invest in marriage, we jump into it; we trust more in emotion and hope than we invest in common sense, intuition, and a willingness to work to build strong, lasting relationships; dooming ourselves to failure long before we ever get there.
When will we ever learn?
Huh?

I gave everything, for and in my marriage. In return I got a verbally, mentally and physically abusive man. This man molested my daughter, beat on our son, ruined my credit. I moved 1500 miles away from this person and more than 3 years later I still cannot afford a divorce. I am physically disabled and unemployed and just to file papers where I live is over $370. So what is a woman supposed to do?????????

I am in a bad marriage right now to a man that has mentally and verbally abused me and my 3 kids for 18 years. he is a control freak, and a flat out, immature jerk. i cant stand him, and my kids don't like being around him either. However, I have bad credit, ( due to him not sharing expenses with me and the children) and he has always been the main bread winner, paying for the major bills...car, house, etc. i work, but i dont make enough to afford everything! If it were just he and I together, I would leave tomorrow. But I have 3 teenagers who I want the best for...a home, the same school and friends, and college. I cant do all of it on my own. I am completely stuck until my kids leave the home and it breaks my heart that they have to live in such an unhappy environment. I just dont see any other way. I just put a fake smile on my face and try to make thier last years here as happy as they can be without thier father getting in the way. It is awful!

STUCK

I, too, am in a bad relationship and can't get out of it due to this economy. I am normally the significant breadwinner making approx 6 figures but the company I work for went into foreclosure earlier this year and 7 months later, I still cannot get a job. I just keep pretending everything is okay while feeling like death on the inside. You people in this blog who talk about sticking it out and how glad you are the divorce rate is down can suck it. I am not staying around for mistreatment and abuse. I can't wait to see how the divorce rate sky rockets once the economy rebounds. I have stuck it out for the ups and downs. The problem is that I am the best thing that happened to him while he is the worst thing that ever happened to me. And I didn't just jump into a relationship. He lied to me and fooled me. I was duped into thinking he was a good person while it turned out he had no values and morals. Get off your high horses, people. Reality is that no matter how hard you plan and try to make the right decisions, you are at the mercy of another's actions when you are in a relationship and if they decide to devalue the relationship, they can and there's nothing you can do about it.

I am also in a loveless, non-caring marriage. We've been married for almost 34 years, haven't slept in the same bed for over 10 years and haven't had sex with one another in probably 23 years. We both really hate the other and it is so very obvious to others. My feelings, I don't want anything bad to happen to her but if she never came home again, fine. We're in our mid and late fifties and very much depend on each others income to live. We have "nothing" in common. When we go to family functions, we go in seperate cars. We manage to eat out with a couple (our friends) every Friday night but it is a struggle to get along even that long. I would rather spend time with a total stranger than this woman and I'm sure she feels the same way but we're stuck. I have thrown my entire life away and I hate her and myself for it. We have made out living the other a personal goal. Sad-Sad-Sad. Nothing to do but try and live in it. My advice to others, GET OUT! Don't let this happen to you. No one will ever know how much I wish I had left long ago, when I could have.

I have a college degree but I live with a person I no longer love just for a place to stay. I have student loans and cannot even afford to live on my own with a roommate. I could get a second job but I will exchange physical fatigue for mental anguish.

I wish I made enough to live on my own the combination of low pay (30K) and student loans are depressing. Of course it will get better, I just don't know when.

For those who think that we need to work harder in our marriages, instead of taking the easy way out and leaving. You are talking to the wrong partner. I wanted my marriage to work. I was honest in my marriage and did the best job I could. It didn't keep my "husband" from emailing me from Iraq and stating it was over - he wants a divorce and nothing in this world will change his mind. (his words) so now - I am stuck. Not living with him, but I am stuck financially and I CAN'T work more or another job. I am recovering from 2 car accidents and a I also have a painful situation which prevents me from working as normal. My fault? I sure don't think so. So what do I do now? He is making good money - finally and now I am in the situation of not knowing where my next penny is coming from. I would have been okay......however, since he is still on my insurance....they jacked my rates and now take half of my already low paycheck. Now I have to pay for a divorce? Are you kidding me? So - until you are living in my shoes, please don't judge and think I am taking an easy way out of a difficult marriage. Heck - it has been difficult for the last five years and I still did my best and didn't leave. I am being thrown out of it - and it is not my choice. Not all marriages are the same.

I thought I was alone in this, I see I am not. I have a blog on Blogger.com called Lifeinanunhappymarriage, feel free to check it out.

I have been married for 12 years,to the wife of my dreams( so I thought). She had an adulterous affair for 3 years with her old high school boyfriend. He was married as well,they did not care, they was in love. We have 3 kids, and its no way I can afford to pay child support and live on my own. So I agreed to work it out, and she do not even have enough RESPECT to stop communicating with this man or his family. So finally I just had to say stop sneaking just do whatever makes you happy. Please pray for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was in the same boat when I was injured in a car accident and my working spouse decided that I was a drag on her finances. Left me with no furniture, cleaned out the bank accounts, and took my daughter (took me a month to find her).
I now am better, making 3 times what she made, and the kid moved in with me 100% when she turned 15.
Keep plugging, you'll make it. Pick the time that's best for you.

I can completely relate to you and fully conquer. Like others on this post... I have stuck it out for many years for the sake of my kids. Now my kids are old enough to see the mental abuse I endure on a daily basis. I have a more demanding job then he does yet I do all the chores, taxi the kids around, do all the cooking... and then the minute I take 4 hours out of one month to go do something for myself I am told I put myself before my kids. REALLY??? My kids are now 13 and 16 and they ask me why I stay with him. They are tortured as well (mentally). My husband is a mean drunk and he spoils everything for all of us. Every time we have something to celebrate... he causes a scene and ruins our joy. He doesn't care who sees him do this to us I'm trapped because of finances. Even though I have a job... with the price of living these days... I couldn't even afford a 1 bedroom apartment and the expenses that go with two teenagers. he's a cheap bastard and would rather see my son give up basketball and my daughter give up her performing arts and see us all miserable before he shares his money. I pay for a majority of the things the kids need, bills, food because he is a tightwad (and makes more money than me). So as Yvonne said... all of you on here who think we are all just quitters... you can kiss my @$$.

I have been with my husband for almost 16 years. He is very controlling and treats me like I am one of the kids until he needs me to pay for something. I am tired of his verbal and mental abuse (i think that's what he is doing to me). I want out but I don't want to hurt my 9 yo son. He loves us both and hates when we get in an arguement. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore.I haven't had an affair and am not even thinking about it. I am not happy anymore in my marriage, but there are 3 kids who will also get hurt. Any advice???

I am going on 7 years married, but we decided to divorce 6 years ago. It is killing me. We live in a very expensive neighborhood with great schools for the kids and I can't see the point in doing it anymore. We essentially live as room mates and take turns with the kids. I hate it, but I see it as better than living apart from the children in a lesser neighborhood. With the pretenses of being a happy couple having been let go, it's a little more bearable living together now anyways.

Spineless.

I am 56 years old and spent all my marriage of 25 years providing a lifestyle for my family beyond what I could afford. Refinancing and 0% credit cards are what really was."providing".

My wife worked VERY little due to health issues. I now find myself with a small business that relize on me 100% and is bringing in very little these days. We are on the brink of foreclosue and bankrucy.

I should have not said yes to everthing to avoid conflict and please my wife. Though she was far from reasnable I did hold the cards and should have made some boundrys at any cost. LISTEN!!!! Dont let things JUST ROLL they will catch up!

I have a son 19 and a daughter who is 14. She just said I should go to my girlfriends tonight because New Years will be upsetting here.

Bad choices

I married my college sweetheart and I thought we had it made. A few years ago, he shocked the heck out of me when he no longer wanted to be married. I tried to reason with him. I also put off the divorce proceedings because I could not afford it. After a family friend was in a horrible accident and the "so-called" husband was located to make medical decisions, that was it! My family loaned me the money I needed and I divorced my ex immediately. Though I miss him, I am so relieved to know that I do not have to worry about him making decisions on my behalf that may not be on the same wavelength.

I have been miserable for years. I want out. I have been so depressed that I am sometimes suicidal. It is horrible. I was never in love with him in the first place. I married early because of a pregnancy and that's what you did back in those days. I can't afford to live on my own. I don't hate him. I just don't want to live with him or have any sort of a romantic relationship with him. The woman that said she disapproved of people who leave their spouses when they aren't being abused, has no clue about how miserable life can be when you have spent your whole life with someone you regret. I want to know what love is. Someday, before I die, will I be able to find love? I have been married for 30 years now. What more punishment must I endure for the mistake of a 17 year old girl that grew up in an abusive home? I would be better off dead.

Been married for 8 years together for 15. Three kids. House, struggling bills, other personal issues etc I have. been having an affair for 2 years. In love w other woman. Both want a life together. Can't afford to split up. House is underwater. 25,000 other debt. Opposite work schedules. And the list goes on. . Very unhappy. Also scared to make the leap to being happy because of such a long history together. Any advice? Can't figure it out. No other family support or help w living or etc.

Thanks, Lee, for your advice to others to get out and not live your experience. I've been in an emotionally abusive marriage to a "Christian" for 6 years and every time I try to leave, something happens, not something made up to avoid the problem, but something real and usually very expensive. As soon as I get back on my feet after the disasterous water damage to my home, I'm outta here! (By the way, you're not done yet, either!)

How can you hate a person and love them so much at the same time. I know that the vows say for better or for worse and I know that the decision was partly mine to marry this guy, but where is the constitution of really being married. I want nothing more right now than to get out of my marriage and at the same time I want nothing more than to make it work. I guess I'm just confused but would rather just leave because of all that is going on because I have thoughts that I don't feel comfortable having. Mainly my children do not need to be a witness to any of the activity that goes on between their father and I. Hate is such a strong word and I hate him.

Wow, read alot of these. Been married 20 years. 10 years ago almost got divorced, decided to stick it out for the kids. 9 years later still find out its not working.

Tried an Open Marraige, Ha right, sorry did work for a while, then got ugly. She fell in love with one of the guys (he is married) she lies to me about her feelings, but I have read the truth.

3 Kids at home one in college, one needing long term medical care. Wife has no real skills, works for minimum wage, 20 hours a week.

She can't support herself much less the kids (even with reasonable child support)

Talked of staying together as roommates, I will not be able to take that.

My work suffering, I mean when I spend 80% of my time trying to keep tabs on her, little gets done at work.

Not sure what the solution is, But know what it is NOT.

I am in a cold, depressing, loveless marraige. 17 years next month. Husband has ptsd from war and low testosterone but refuses to get help. I cant keep begging and pleading and crying anymore. He promised me I could go to school after being a stay at home mom. I cant deal with it anymore but we cant afford a divorce. Im stuck.

I can't stand my husband anymore. Just the sight if him makes me ill. No kids. Just a house and various other financial obligations. Currently unemployed and unable to rent my own place. If you've never been in this situation, it's hell. I miss being single and not having to depend on anyone for a roof over my head. With luck I'll get out soon. If not, I'd rather be dead.

Been married for 12 years to a very verbally abusive & controlling man. He was oh so sweet while we were dating and after the 'I do's', his true self emerged. Due to a loss of employment for both of us, we had to file chapter 13. We are both back to work but credit is shot; house is under water due to the economy. Although I can manage financially on my own, trying to find someone to rent to me is non-existant. He can't afford to stay in the house, and we can't sell so it would go into foreclosure if I leave, further damaging my credit. I tried to make my marriage work...I tried everything, including marriage counselin. He only lied to the counsler and had her believing he was a nice guy...then screaming at me all the way home. I can't stand him anymore but am stuck here...planning on moving into the spare bedroom and treating this marriage as a roommate situation and hope that will work until such time as I can finally start a life free of him and his BS.

I do believe that vows are sacred and that you should always try in marriage, but for these people that are saying "you made a vow so you should work it out", there comes a time when you have done all the trying you can and yes maybe we will never learn. You can't scold people for following their heart. Hopefully the next time around is different, but for now they made a mistake. Hey mistakes happen, but also sometimes it years before you find out who a person really is or they change on you. In my case yes I was dumb. I should have seen the red flags in the beginning with the lies, not meeting his parents or kids (still have not met the kids after 2 years of marriageo, him keeping things from me and our 9 year age difference. Wow after seeing this typed out, I really am dumb! Well we live and we learn. Things were pretty good in the very very beginning, but we even questioned getting married. I guess it was the extra money/benefits that pushed me into it. My husband is in the military. Soon after marriage things just went down hill. I was paying all the bills because my husband said his pay was messed up...for a whole year. I think that was a lie because when I lost my job his pay magically got fixed. We started fighting a lot about everything. There has been emotional/physical abuse. My husband always has a heart attack when I touch his cell phone, but when we fight he takes mine away so that I wont call someone for help. I found a note from his ex wife in his car saying I Love You Hubby and one time his phone rang and a girls picture came up. When I asked about it he said it was a friend of his cousins who he was giving advice to about joining the military and that she sent him a pic. To me this is just overstepping the boundaries. He has sent texts when we are arguing and has called me an ingrown c*nt hair and immature. Hmmm immature....I think that would be the other way around. Right before I met him I was making good money and was in the process of buying a condo. Even though the motgage and everything is not that expensive there is just no way I can do it on my own. I have a job now, but I make half as much as I use to make. Even if I got a roommate I would still be short. I'm thinking about foreclosure then bankruptcy and starting all over. At 35 years old I would have to go live with mommy again, but at least its something and my 3 dogs would have yard to run and play. Well maybe 3 dogs. That's another thing....I wanted to look at dogs at the pet store one day just for fun and my husband and I fell in love with a little Min Pin puppy, but I wasn't about to buy him due to the money and knowing how much more work it would be for ME, but my husband said he would buy him and consider the dog more his and that he would take care of it and everything. Psssh yeah right! Like I said...more work for ME! Not that I mind because I truly love this dog. All 3 dogs are like my babies! So anyways I do most of the work...feeding, picking up poop, cleaning pee spots, giving meds, giving baths and taking them to the vet. The Min Pin (just 5 mo. Old) supposedly fell off the bed that my husband was sleeping in one night and he broke his leg. I kind of think maybe my husband just said that and actually rolled over onto the puppy because he was always playing and jumping on/off the bed. To make matters worse I ended up getting a credit card to pay the $3500 vet bill because my husband (who just bought a $2600 3D TV on credit) said that he called around and could not get any help. Mmm hmmm because the military can't help in financial situation, right? My husband says is going to pay me back but with the way we have barely been speaking lately I don't know if that is going to hapen, so now I got this on my shoulders. I could act totally sweet to him and try to get the money or just go with bankruptcy. I don't know. I also have a 401k that maybe I could use to sell the condo and have a little money to start over with or I could do the nice thing for 7 months until he goes on deployment for 8 months and figure out then what I want to do and maybe by then have a better job or 2nd job and be able to kick him out. Im just hoping he doesn't try to be a jerk and take everything from me. He has already threatened me by saying he is going to leave me with the $3500 vet bill. Also I would love to take the Min Pin if we split because my husband doesn't give him the attention I do plus he works long hours and goes on deployments every couple of years, so this poor dog would not have a good life. He said if I want the dog if we split I have to give him the $1000 that he spent to buy the dog plus pay for the vet bill. I told him no way! I am willing to possibly give him $1000, but definitely not pay for the vet bill too. I told him he wouldn't even be able to sell the dog for the $1000 or in his condition so he would at least have to pay the vet. He can't sell an injured animal! So there's my story. Sorry for the book, but now you see what I am dealing with here...an immature boy...not a husband. So what would you do???

I am also in similar situation. I grew up in a broken home with a very controlling family, endured abuse..and when I finally met a decent guy, I decided to marry him. We now have three children, I have been a stay at home mom for going on ten years. I am not in love with my husband. He is verbally abusive, very controlling, and I have no desire to be romantic with him. I cannot bear the thought of having to grow old like this. I have experienced true love since, I am having an affair, we both would love to be together and marry but we cannot afford it. I made the mistake of marrying to escape my sad past, but my husband and I turned out to be very incompatble in every way, and now our lives are nothing but a constant chain of fighting, yelling (him) and crying (me). Our young children suffer as a result. Staying together for the childrens sake seems like the idea from hell, we will end up creating another generation of depressed and confused adults who will also just escape into loveless relationships. I want them to be happy but we are making them miserable, without any hope of it getting better. Divorcing is impossible, i cannot afford raising them on my own, besides he wants to have all the children if we divorce, because he says i am mentally unstable. I am not..i am just very depressed and unhappy. Just like someone else earlier amongst the comments, i myself am contemplating suicide. I cannot live with him, i cannot leave him, and i cannot endure watching how our miserableness screws our children up. I know, my death would not make anything better either, so i am sticking out. Wasting my life away in total unhappiness, when i could have what i always hoped for from life, with someone else that is compatible spiritually, mentally, emotionally and in every possible way. Stop judging people for making mistakes when they were young, naive, inexperienced and hurt or abused. You all have the opportunity to change your field of job, or your workplace if it proves to be unsuitable or bad for you. Noone judges you if you realize it does not fit you and you want to better yourself to find a more suitable workplace. Everyone is allowed to mature and grow and move on towards greater fulfillment in other areas of life. Why not judge them too? Marriage being for life..i just do not think fits to modern society. It was fine when women were not allowed to think and feel for themselves..this day and age we are allowed to evolve in our personality and desires, so why not being able to move on with our lives? A bad workplace you only have to put up with for 8-10 hours a day. A horrible home life? Endlessly...until you die. It is unfair punishment.